I am going to be honest. I have been avoiding writing. I figured it would be too depressing. I have nothing good to write about. In fact, it’s all bad.

I no longer have a small group. It’s no one’s fault. It just happens. It’s life. Russell’s work schedule interferes with the meeting times.

Here’s how this affects me. It’s a couple’s group. Can’t go without my other half…Or more so I don’t want to go without my other half. I have lost my only social thing with couples with like minds. Individuals with like minds. Friends. Or at least I would like to think they were friends. It’s too hard to keep driving into the city to meet people. It’s too hard to go to church when you don’t live in that area.

I feel that I fail every single time I try to establish relationships outside of my small circle of 4. At this moment I cannot see the point in trying to get established anywhere. It brings me back, full circle, to why.

My disease gets in the way. I’m too tired. The surgeries and infection have taken their toll. Mostly on me mentally.

I don’t know where I stand. I don’t know how I feel. Scratch that. I feel lost. I feel abandoned by a God who is supposedly there for me always.

This is not the first time I have felt this way. It won’t be the last. Maybe I just need some time. I always need time.

I am not saying I am giving up. I just don’t know what I am doing right now. I am lost.

So that’s that…

Sorry, if I rained on your sunny day.

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