Today we (Russell and I) had our small group meeting.
We go over what we though about the last couple of sermons and each other’s weeks and eat. Fellowship type stuff. A lot of discussion too.
It was good. I want to get to the after.
It’s pretty late. About 9:30. By the time we get home it will be 10:30.
I got quiet afterwards and after Russell and I had a bit of a disagreement on whether a place existed in that particular location or not.
I begin thinking about a lot of things but one I wanted to share with you.
*Abbey, you should have just kept your mouth shut. Why do you even talk?*
That’s what I have been thinking. I ramble. Especially when I am nervous but in general I just flat out ramble.
I have been thinking that I have nothing to contribute. That I talk in circles.
I volunteered to read a passage we were going over. I know I had to ask multiple times what verses we were reading.
Then as I am reading them I am stumbling because I keep having to remember where I am supposed to stop. I keep second guessing if I am reading from the right spot. It turned out I was but that didnt get rid of the anxieties and frustrations.
I know without a doubt that the particular place has a store at that location. I know I had to ask at least twice about the passage. I know these things.
Then I start second guessing it. Is it in my head? Am I imagining this?
Also, when everyone talks about there week I have nothing to say. “Oh, I finished season 3 of such and such show and I slept like a million hours but I am off my pain meds” (that was said with sarcasm and a lot of truth).
All I have to talk about is medical this and medical that.
I don’t have a job. I wouldn’t say that I have a social life. Although, small group is helping.
I don’t know why I do things. I feel like I have zero social skills. I just ramble.
I get new people to be around and all of the sudden I am that kid in that group that people listen to but don’t think of them as really part of their group because they just talk too much and most of the time this kid is just talking in circles. On one subject.
I hate the words “Actually I’m not working right now, I am applying for disability”
I hate that I think to myself that I should have kept my mouth shut.
I hate Gastroparesis, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Bi Polar Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Chronic Migraines, and most of all I hate the isolation I feel.
I hate the jealousy I feel when people talk about work or their plans.
I hate this Staph infection. I hate this cast.
I hate the random pain I am in even without the surgeries.
I hate that when I look in the mirror I see the light has gone from my eyes.