Finally settled in, Russell and I decided to head to church on Sunday. To get us back into a rhythm. Plus we like to.
Something that normally wouldn’t bother us to the point of leaving before service started happened. We were seething. It was dumb. Like throwing a temper tantrum because little Joey wouldn’t share his dinosaur kind of dumb.
As time passed we were still a little upset about it but moved on.
Sunday and Monday became a roller coaster. I was on edge. Anything you said, did, the way you breathed… it sent me off the edge. Crying. Creating arguments from nothing. Wanting to pull my hair out. Wanting to run. To escape.
I was having doubts in my faith. If I should just leave the church and find somewhere else to worship. Maybe in a different way.
Like I said, everything threw me offer the edge.
I have anxiety. I never realized until Hurricane Harvey how bad it could get. I would break down at any second. Total anxiety attack. Needing to medicate and everything.
I thought I could handle not having a plan. Boy, how I was wrong!
Every question I asked was answered with I don’t know. Or we will figure that out soon. We have to wait and see.
None of those answers gave me certainty. None of them were a plan. That’s when I realized how much planning keeps my emotions and anxiety in check.
While we stayed in Austin with our new family (yeah we got that close while we were there) I was busy and distracted. I did not have to process any of that anxiety, uncertainty, and fear I felt. For a whole week it was suppressed. In a bottle. That bottle being gently shaken so it would burst at just the right moment.
Sunday and Monday I sank into this crazy anxious depression. Nothing was going right. Everything was bad. (None of which is true. We are safe. Our house stayed dry.)
I was mad, angry, frustrated, anxious, and scared. I’m not sure why I was feeling everything I was but I am pretty sure that’s what happens when you bottle everything up.
I reflected this morning on what was different from Austin to here. A lot of things but I realized waking up with the purpose of getting dressed and ready for the day really does make all of the difference.
I felt like a whole new person today.
I have a lot going through my mind and things I want to do but for now today was enough.
Until next time…