A 55 Pound Dog 

A 55 Pound Dog 

So as you know readers I recently had surgery on my ankle. I had to have a ligament replaced. 

I was finally walking normally and yesterday that changed. I now cannot bear weight on my foot and it is very painful. 

I am back in my splint and taking pain medication to make it bearable. 

You see my mom has this very sweet and loving German Shepherd/Golden Retriever mix. I love my JoJo even though she is my mom’s. Haha. 

JoJo and my dog-child Bentley were playing as I was laying in bed with my mom watching tv when the dogs jumped up on the bed. 

I had the full force of both dogs ram into and on top of my ankle. 

It is bruised and angry but yesterday my foot decided to respond by cramping up for hours. Couldn’t even touch it without me screaming. Hat cramping worked its way up my leg.  I cannot tell you how much fun that was (sarcasm by the way).

I took pain meds and was zonked for the rest of the night. 

Russell and I were supposed to go out on our yearly tradition but that didn’t happen. 

I wanted to go out today but that didn’t happen. 

I wanted to go to church tomorrow and a fellowship event. Not going to happen. 

Surgery number two happens Monday. I will explain that in another post. 

Until next time…

New Friends

New Friends

As many of us Spoonies know friends tend to drop off the radar. We have to cancel or bail all the time and that makes makimg friends and keeping them very difficult. 

Our lives are just not the same. Russell and I joined a small group and last night was our first gathering. 

I just know that making friends is hard. Even if you are perfectly healthy. 

The group of us got along great but as always time will tell but friends! 

It’s the little things. Getting plugged in at church is one of those. 

Have an amazing day! 

Until next time y’all! 

When Your Disease Makes You Feel Like An Old Lady

When Your Disease Makes You Feel Like An Old Lady

Last night I went out with one of my best friends and went dancing.

IT WAS A BLAST!!

I was getting ready to go out at 10:30pm… and I was thinking to myself… I haven’t done this in years…. 

I left the house with crazy excitement! I was going to be “normal”!! I was going to be the party me!! Like back before my life got thrown into a different direction.

As the night went on and after a lot of dancing I was looking around and I thought to myself how do all of these people have so much energy?!

Seriously though, how?! I sat there with my heart racing and trying to catch my breath…watching….

Once again I was a spectator. Someone on the sidelines. I felt old.

I was definitely older than the people we were talking to. My body felt old. I felt maybe 30-40 years older… I’m 24. I went out to have a great night (and it was) but when I got home I wanted to crawl up into a ball and give in to the pain I was feeling.

My ankle was killing me. (Quick tidbit: don’t dance like crazy on an ankle that you had surgery on 2 months ago…) My back was screaming… Every part of my wanted to lay out flat and give up….

I didn’t. I continued to dance. If I was going to be miserable it was going to be for a good reason by golly!

I came home. I told Russell about my night and then crawled into bed. I just wanted to stop feeling every muscle, tendon, bone, ligament, and whatever other connective tissues that exist in my body….

I couldn’t believe how tired I was and how much pain I was feeling… I just wanted it to stop. I was feeling pretty miserable. I took half a pain tablet just to make it stop hurting. I am still hurting today… I am exhausted but I would do it again in a heartbeat!

I would not trade that experience for the world! I will probably plan it out a little better but I would do it again!

I feel like an old woman when it comes to being active and having fun. When it comes to camping or rock climbing or dancing like I used to…. I feel like I am 30-40 years older than I am…

Until next time…

What To Do

What To Do

Honestly guys, 

I am in a mega rut. I don’t know what to write. Not sure what to do with myself. 

I am working on this crochet teddy bear but I can only do so much of that. 

I was working on learning how to code but I’m not sure how well that is going. 

I started reading a book, which I am still working on, but I—

I’m making excuses. I just don’t feel accomplished in anything. 

Spinning in the same circle. Day after day. 

I can’t stand this. 

I am waiting on this disability thing and I just am spinning my wheels. 

So…. sorry for the shortage in blog posts. I don’t know what I’ll be doing next but I hope I can still write things that reach out to someone. 

P.S. Sorry if this is rude y’all… I really don’t want suggestions and ideas of what to do… I am just sharing my story. 

Until next time… 

More Medications

More Medications

I had another cardiology appointment today and I received yet another prescription. Now, before you go all homeopathic suggestions or yay drugs or boo drugs you must know that I actually tried the all natural way of doing things first per my doctor’s instructions.

He understood my Gastroparesis and various other diagnoses and took into account what I had already been taking.

I tried by keeping my electrolytes and such more balanced. It started to make a small difference but my heart rate was still consistently in the 98-112 range when I was just resting. In case you are not sure of what a “normal” heart rate should be at resting is around 82-85 I believe. Please double check the facts. IN NO WAY AM I A DOCTOR OR HEALTHCARE PROFESSIONAL.

So now we need to resort to medication. He put me on an extremely low dose for only a few times a week. We will see how this goes.

I  really don’t have much going on. Knock on wood. I have been extremely tired because my heart has been working so hard.

Until next time…

Why Public Bathrooms Are A Big Deal

Why Public Bathrooms Are A Big Deal

Okay. Let’s talk about bathrooms. 

As a kid and well into my young adulthood I refused to use the bathrooms while we were out and about unless it was an emergency (with the exception of the period I was potty training and apparently everywhere we went I had to use the bathroom. Yay, embarrassing Mom story!)

Moving on, I just never and I do really mean never used public bathrooms until I got sick. 

All of the sudden I found myself not giving a second thought about using any bathroom. Gastroparesis has the lovely (read horrible) symptom of vomiting. So lots of running to bathrooms for that. I also have Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I will spare you the details. 

Bathrooms public or not have become fair game. 

This is just another lovely part of having chronic illnesses. 

Yay! I think it was silly and important at the same time but I promised myself to be real and this stuff is so real. 

Until next time y’all….

Breakdown. Meltdown. Whatever You Want To Call It. 

Breakdown. Meltdown. Whatever You Want To Call It. 

Finally settled in, Russell and I decided to head to church on Sunday. To get us back into a rhythm. Plus we like to. 

Something that normally wouldn’t bother us to the point of leaving before service started happened. We were seething. It was dumb. Like throwing a temper tantrum because little Joey wouldn’t share his dinosaur kind of dumb. 

As time passed we were still a little upset about it but moved on. 

Sunday and Monday became a roller coaster. I was on edge. Anything you said, did, the way you breathed… it sent me off the edge. Crying. Creating arguments from nothing. Wanting to pull my hair out. Wanting to run. To escape. 

I was having doubts in my faith. If I should just leave the church and find somewhere else to worship. Maybe in a different way. 

Like I said, everything threw me offer the edge. 

I have anxiety. I never realized until Hurricane Harvey how bad it could get. I would break down at any second. Total anxiety attack. Needing to medicate and everything. 

I thought I could handle not having a plan. Boy, how I was wrong! 

Every question I asked was answered with I don’t know. Or we will figure that out soon. We have to wait and see. 

None of those answers gave me certainty. None of them were a plan. That’s when I realized how much planning keeps my emotions and anxiety in check. 

While we stayed in Austin with our new family (yeah we got that close while we were there) I was busy and distracted. I did not have to process any of that anxiety, uncertainty, and fear I felt. For a whole week it was suppressed. In a bottle. That bottle being gently shaken so it would burst at just the right moment. 

Sunday and Monday I sank into this crazy anxious depression. Nothing was going right. Everything was bad. (None of which is true. We are safe. Our house stayed dry.) 

I was mad, angry, frustrated, anxious, and scared. I’m not sure why I was feeling everything I was but I am pretty sure that’s what happens when you bottle everything up. 

I reflected this morning on what was different from Austin to here. A lot of things but I realized waking up with the purpose of getting dressed and ready for the day really does make all of the difference. 

I felt like a whole new person today. 

I have a lot going through my mind and things I want to do but for now today was enough. 

Until next time… 

Shabbat and Going Home

Shabbat and Going Home

We had to evacuate almost a week ago. Tomorrow will be a week. 

It was hard. When we left there was still a lot of question of where we would be calling home for the time being in Austin. 

I have some family there. They don’t exactly have the housing for 4 adults and three dogs but had friends that wanted to help out. The family we stayed with could not keep our dogs because their dogs had some being friendly towards other dog issues. So another friend took our three pups in. 

This was so incredibly sweet. We felt at home (as much as you can) almost right away. It was a loud and busy home with so much love and kiddos. 

Friday night we participated in Shabbat with this wonderful family. I think I was reminded of no matter where you are God meets you. 

We will be going back. Under different circumstances. At a time of relaxation instead of distress and uncertainty.  

I also now understand how my faith manifests. 

I am a Christian. I love Jewish tradition. It is the foundation of my faith and who I am as a person. 

I also understand there are beautiful things from monotheistic religions that I want to incorporate into my practice. 

I will be back to write more but as you may know natural disaster takes a lot out of a person. 

Goodnight. 

Until next time.