What Have You Been Up To?

What Have You Been Up To?

So the other day I went to the vet to update my mom’s dog’s vaccinations. You may be wondering what that has to do with the price of tea in China let alone this blog post. I’m getting there.

Our veterinarians are my old bosses. I used to work at the clinic we take them to. I saw all of my old coworkers. When you work at the clinic you become part of the family. It’s close knit and you can feel it walking through the door. I helped build this clinic from the get go and it is my baby. It was hard to have to let go.

Which brings me to the title of this post. In his usual caring way the owner asked my what have I been up to? He was checking in. He had always known about my health and always asked how I was doing. He asked everyone that.

My answer? Um.. nothing. I watch a lot of Netflix. I have my blog. I am in a waiting pattern for my application for disability. So a whole lot of nothing.

There was a big pause as he was taking in what I said. He asked how I was doing. Holding back some tears I told him that I really miss my job… it hit me again. All of the feelings of failure and disappointment and the crushing feeling of letting this project that I was so incredibly proud of go. I resigned. I knew I needed to take care of my health and he needed someone he could count on being there. He knew those things too. It was very amicable.

Nothing about that visit was easy. Russell had to practically pry me out of there. I didn’t want to leave. When I walked out of that front door again I was crushed. There was a moment of the feeling of  taking a blow to the gut.

My heart literally hurt.

It kills me when people ask me what I am up to. I feel like I have this incredibly lazy answer. I don’t feel like I have anything fulfilling. I don’t feel like I have accomplished anything.

I don’t want to volunteer because I may have to bail. You can’t count on me. I’m not reliable. That kills me too.

In my mind I am the do everything gal. In high school I totally over extended myself and it was stressful but I thrived. My body has a completely different idea. There is a saying “If you want to make God laugh tell him your plans.” If I want to make my body laugh tell it I have plans…

I long for those days where I could do anything but it only hurts me more than it helps. So I do my best to do what I can versus looking back on what I used to be able to do. I think this is all part of the perpetual grief. Every time I have to leave something I am reminded of all the things I could never finish.

So when you ask me what I have been up to and my answer seems half hearted just understand that there’s a lot more going on in my head than what I say aloud.

Until next time…

4 thoughts on “What Have You Been Up To?

  1. With every post I respect and love you more. You have strength that cannot be measured. You are an amazing woman and simply by being real and being candid, you help others. Keeping you in prayers daily

  2. Thank you, I recently had to quit my CNA job at a nursing home and it had become my own home. I am struggling with college and am only taking online classes because I couldn’t make it to classes on campus anymore. I have felt like such a failure lately but at some level I do understand that cannot control what is going on. Man I wish I could control it. I still do not have a diagnosis but do have a emptying test this next friday. Each test I’ve had has left me with more questions than answers. Thank you for writing about your own hardships, I found your blog today and I needed it more than I realized.

    1. Racheal, wow. That is so hard and so crappy. It means a lot to me that my blog helps you in some way. You are not alone. We travel this journey together. It sucks but we play with the cards we have been dealt. It harms us in ways we cannot imagine if we don’t. Thank you.

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