The other morning Russell and I ended up getting into a minor argument. The only reason I bring this up is only for the fact of the topic of this post.
I take numerous medications that have the side effect of drowsiness and they do make me very sleepy and very difficult to wake up. Then you add one of, what I call, my rescue meds (this time was Phenergan) and you basically have to piss me off to wake me up before I am able to sleep the drug off.
I felt so guilty. I started going through my head… What medications can I eliminate? Which ones can I spread out more? Can I spread them out? Can I substitute it for one that doesn’t make me so sleepy? Do I even really need these medications?
The answer is I wouldn’t be on the meds I am on unless I needed them and they worked. They are on the schedule the are on because that is what works best.
Then I began to think of all the times I have claimed brain fog, drug induced brain fog, drug hangover, or just flat out chronic fatigue.
I have this friend and I know she is messing with me when she says stuff like “oh that excuse again” or “excuses excuses Abbey you’re better than that” or whatever other sarcastic thing she can come up with. I love her. She keeps me in check.
There are times where I have thought gaps. I straight up cannot think of a word or what I was saying mid sentence.
I wonder. Am I making excuses for myself? Do I need to challenge my brain more? Am I losing my youthful mind?
I have gotten to the point if you aren’t looking directly at me and make sure you have my full attention I have no idea what you are saying, if you are speaking to me, or that you’re even in the room sometimes. I just flat out zone out.
I begin to think what is wrong with me? Am I totally losing it? Am I just not making the effort? There is just a point where I zone out.
Is it the medication? The constant exhaustion and tirednesss? A combination of the two? What am I doing here?
From various Facebook groups and blog posts and such I know other people are experiencing this. I know it is real. I know what I am feeling and thinking is valid but it seems so unreal. Invalid. Like I am a liar or something. I am just imagining things.
There is so much guilt I feel because I am absent. More mentally than anything else. My brain is perfectly happy with my hood from my jacket up, earbuds in, and listening to whatever sways my mood that day. If I feel like it I will throw my sunglasses into the mix.
I never thought it would be so exhausting just trying to keep up with a conversation sometimes.
Sometimes this doesn’t feel real. Sometimes I feel as if I am Alice in Wonderland. Only I am mostly there but kind of here.
I will end with this:
Hatter: Do you think I’ve gone round the bend?
Alice: I’m afraid so. You’re mad, bonkers, completely off your head. But I’ll tell you a secret. All the best people are.
And this last one because it’s important and the Alice in Wonderland references wouldn’t be complete with out it. (Although, really without the entirely of the books, it will never be complete but I digress).
I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Until next time my friends…