Perpetual Grief

Perpetual Grief

As you may know there are 5 stages to grief.

  • denial
  • anger
  • bargaining
  • depression
  • acceptance

When we lose someone it is said that we go through these five stages on our own timeline. Some people go through it real quick and move on and others it could take awhile.

You may be wondering why I have brought this rather unhappy topic up. When someone goes through a diagnosis of any kind they potentially go through the 5 stages if grief.

Enter chronic illness. These 5 stages NEVER end. We are always grieving one thing or another. Or at least it seems that way. From the different things I read and how I feel.

I grieved my initial diagnosis.

I still continue to grieve the loss of friendships, ability to go to college no matter how many times I have tried, work, my relationship with food, the ups and downs of my diagnoses, and much much more.

I know I will have more to grieve in the days, months, and years to come. Right now one particular thing I am grieving over is my inability to work. I am 24 years old, spunky, loving, crave learning new things, and I am applying for disability.

That is hitting way harder than I thought it would. I was in denial before I resigned from my job. I am angry and trying to bargain a way for my body to cooperate to allow me to work. I am definitely at the depression part but I am far from accepting it at this point.

I have learned that grieving really doesn’t necessarily happen in steps or stages. At least not in the traditional sense.

Regarding work: Step 1 Denial Step 2 anger, bargaining, and depression Step 3 will hopefully be acceptance but could quite possibly be Step 2 all over again. Step 2 is this cycle right now. It could be one feeling or the other. It could be all of them.

This is never ending. A new diagnosis. Finding a new restriction on my life (backpacking cough cough). My love for food. Medications. The way my body looks. (You never get used to the way you look when you have dropped weight or when you have gained it back.) How clothing fits.

Eventually, marriage and children. Who know’s what will come of these things but they are potential places of grief.

These are only some examples but the grieving process never ends.

I think that’s all I have on this for now but I felt like I needed to share this. I have been trying to put my fingers to the keys for awhile for this particular post. It was just too difficult but here it is.

Until next time…

2 thoughts on “Perpetual Grief

  1. It’s hard to get to acceptance because all the other stages constantly repeat themselves – it’s like being on a hamster wheel!
    I’m a bit older than you (45) and I get angry all the time with this disorder – I can’t be the mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend etc that I used to be I miss the old me. I am on disability – not something I could ever imagine myself being on – I haven’t worked in almost 5 years and as much as I miss it I know it’s not realistic to have a full time job. This disorder has no schedule, some days are just spent in bed or even if you’re not curled in a ball you might still be in pain, not many employers would tolerate you calling in because once again you have a “tummy ache”. I am in awe of those who work 40 hours a week (or more) – they have a strength that should be bottled and sold! I just saw this quote on a Facebook page:

    To that one soul
    reading this.
    I know you’re tired.
    You’re fed up.
    You’re so close to
    breaking but there’s
    strength within you,
    even when you feel weak.

    Keep fighting

    1. Erin, you are so right! I think that’s the other part of perpetual. Is as soon as you think you’re done grieving one thing and you’re almost to acceptance something else happens and the process starts all over again and you grieve everything before that thing because you can never get to accepting things. So you end up grieving all the old stuff with the new thing. It’s exhausting!!!

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