Speaking of the Devil

Speaking of the Devil

It’s funny… well not really… as I just published a post about evacuating in an emergency as a Spoonie I have now evacuated my home.

The levy is strong. The problem became the creek behind our house that empties into the retention pond was overflowing into the retention pond as it should but the pond was back flowing into the drainage system onto our street. Therefore, the need for evacuation arose.

It’s so crazy. I was kind of writing that last post with a bit of the feeling of “haha you can’t get me” and it bit me in the butt.

I evacuated to a family friends’ home. It was at a better part in the neighborhood when it came to this situation. We got all settled in (not quite getting to the point of unpacking) and we get the notice for MANDATORY evacuation. That was really how it was written. We had no idea if we could go anywhere but we still packed everything up into the vehicles and headed out.

Our plan was to get to Austin. No idea of where we would be staying but we would be going to Austin. We knew that much.

I am so tired and typing this blog post is actually quite difficult because I can’t think of some of the words I want to use and my fingers aren’t working with my brain….

So I forgot the rest of what I was planning to write so we are going to end things abruptly here…

Until next time… When I have more rest…

 

Hello Hurricane Harvey

Hello Hurricane Harvey

Hey everyone! As many of you know I live in Texas. Well I’m about to narrow it down for ya…. I live in the Greater Houston area.

Yup! That means my family and I are in the middle of the aftermath of category 4 Hurricane Harvey. Fortunately we are in an area that is levied. There is one access to a grocery store not far from home. Yet so many of my fellow Houstonians haven’t been as fortunate.

I know y’all have probably watched the news and seen what Harvey has done. I am not necessarily here to talk about the devastation.

I was thinking to myself what if I end up needing to evacuate? What if something medically went wrong? How would we pack everything up and get the heck out of here?

Anxiety sets in. I start trying to come up with a plan. We live relatively close to a major river. What if when that river crests we flood? Will we be trapped or will we be forced to evacuate? My brain goes non-stop. I have appointments this week that I know I will not make. Everything is on stand-by and for a Spoonie and someone with anxiety… it’s not okay.

Let me give you a run through of what I would need should I not be at home. (This is only supplies. No clothing or memories or important documents.)

  • Feeding Pump and Charger
  • 60cc syringes
  • 35cc syringes
  • 10cc syringes
  • J port extensions
  • G port extensions
  • At least 35 8oz cartons of formula
  • At least 9 feed/flush set bags
  • Travel IV pole
  • Feed backpack
  • Bandaging for my recent ankle surgery
  • Approx 10 medications
  • Stoma care supplies
  • and a few things I am sure I have forgotten for the moment

We also have three dogs. That is beside the point. I am not one to be level-headed and cool in situations where I don’t know what to expect. I would think that people with medical conditions would experience this same anxiety regardless of what plan he or she may have in place.

We are okay. I pray that it stays that way. I pray the waters recede quickly. I pray for those who have been hit so hard by this devastation.

I really don’t know what else to write…

Until next time….

What Have You Been Up To?

What Have You Been Up To?

So the other day I went to the vet to update my mom’s dog’s vaccinations. You may be wondering what that has to do with the price of tea in China let alone this blog post. I’m getting there.

Our veterinarians are my old bosses. I used to work at the clinic we take them to. I saw all of my old coworkers. When you work at the clinic you become part of the family. It’s close knit and you can feel it walking through the door. I helped build this clinic from the get go and it is my baby. It was hard to have to let go.

Which brings me to the title of this post. In his usual caring way the owner asked my what have I been up to? He was checking in. He had always known about my health and always asked how I was doing. He asked everyone that.

My answer? Um.. nothing. I watch a lot of Netflix. I have my blog. I am in a waiting pattern for my application for disability. So a whole lot of nothing.

There was a big pause as he was taking in what I said. He asked how I was doing. Holding back some tears I told him that I really miss my job… it hit me again. All of the feelings of failure and disappointment and the crushing feeling of letting this project that I was so incredibly proud of go. I resigned. I knew I needed to take care of my health and he needed someone he could count on being there. He knew those things too. It was very amicable.

Nothing about that visit was easy. Russell had to practically pry me out of there. I didn’t want to leave. When I walked out of that front door again I was crushed. There was a moment of the feeling of  taking a blow to the gut.

My heart literally hurt.

It kills me when people ask me what I am up to. I feel like I have this incredibly lazy answer. I don’t feel like I have anything fulfilling. I don’t feel like I have accomplished anything.

I don’t want to volunteer because I may have to bail. You can’t count on me. I’m not reliable. That kills me too.

In my mind I am the do everything gal. In high school I totally over extended myself and it was stressful but I thrived. My body has a completely different idea. There is a saying “If you want to make God laugh tell him your plans.” If I want to make my body laugh tell it I have plans…

I long for those days where I could do anything but it only hurts me more than it helps. So I do my best to do what I can versus looking back on what I used to be able to do. I think this is all part of the perpetual grief. Every time I have to leave something I am reminded of all the things I could never finish.

So when you ask me what I have been up to and my answer seems half hearted just understand that there’s a lot more going on in my head than what I say aloud.

Until next time…

Number 50

Number 50

This is my 50th post! I didn’t think I would dive this far into blogging but I love it. There are days where I cannot bring myself to write. Which has been a little more often as of late.

I have so much going on that I use it as an excuse not to write. Somedays, I will tell myself that there isn’t anything to write about. I will look at my visitor statistics and get discouraged and wonder why I am even writing.

Then, I remember. I began this blog for myself. As a possible avenue to become a public speaker or writer or just for fun. I have put too much pressure on myself to write and it became taxing versus something I love doing.

Isn’t funny how that works in life? We start something for fun. A hobby. It turns into this competition against ourselves and maybe even others. It’s crazy! We do it to ourselves! It’s stressful and ridiculous  but I am super guilty of it!

I am not sure how to break the pattern or even if it is in our programming to break the pattern but I do know that I need to remind myself of the reasons I do what I do.

Every once in awhile, take back and sit in reflection of the things I do and why. Life is way too short to stress myself out this much. Plus, it is extremely unhealthy….

Those are my ramblings for today. Leave a comment and let me know about some of the stuff you compute against yourself that started as something fun.

Until next time…

We Are So Close!

We Are So Close!

Russell and I have like a million projects that have been on the list for awhile! We have done a little here and there on each project but none of them were really making any headway.

Here is a list of a few of them:

  • Ikea Dresser
  • Ikea Bed (hasn’t been touched… we are going to stain it… we think)
  • A tubie feed supply cabinet (I cannot wait for it to be done!! It is going to be really cool! You will be getting a photo/video “tour” of it!)
  • We are moving which room we are in so we have been painting that for awhile

I think that’s it really but they have been going on for so long… Oh! We have these really cool lamps that we are close to finishing!

I think I am going to have to do a post to show all the cool projects!

Anyway, we are slowly but surely starting to eliminate to do’s on our list. My parents are building their forever home which means this house will be getting sold and we will be moving! We are kind of in the in-between phase. We aren’t putting the house on the market quite yet but we know we are so we are preparing for that… It’s kind of an odd part of moving but it kinda gives you the kick in the rear you needed all along to get all of this stuff done!

I wouldn’t say I love moving… I actually despise moving but I love the period right before that. It’s extremely cleansing and tiring but you kinda feel like everything is fresh, ya know?

The household is in the waiting pattern of “I don’t use this that often but I don’t want to pack it away yet because I might need it” type deal… You begin to pack the stuff you know you aren’t using (like seasonal type stuff) but it is just so odd… It’s a weird period of time.

I think that’s where “We are so close” comes in. We know it’s coming but we aren’t there yet…

I am going to hop off the computer and get back to the projects!

Until next time…

 

 

All the Stuff

All the Stuff

I was visting a new church yesterday and it got me to thinking. I love like the less is more acoustic vibe type services. You know, the ones that are really intimate. I also love the all out services but the more intimate ones are where I feel really focused and open to listening to what God has to say to me.

I have had so many worship leaders in one capacity or another say something along the lines of “God remind us that none of the stuff matters… it’s about our time with you Lord and the music and lights and other things don’t matter…help us focus on just you Lord and what you have to say to us…”

Here is what I have to say about all the stuff.

It matters.

It matters so much that it needed it’s own line to prove my point. I don’t know about you but if something is off tempo or key or something just doesn’t sit right with me I get distracted. It bothers me. If I am not digging the vibe in the worship space I am not going to be focusing on God and what he may be trying to share with me. If I were to tune all of the stuff out I would be at home. Reading my bible on my own or listening to a religious podcast or to the radio or whatever music mix I have going.

The purpose of going to these events and such is to grow outside of what you can do on your own. We all have our limitations. You can only give yourself so much. That is why we crave to be around others. As humans we are social. That is in our programming and that is how we grow.

So the stuff is, in fact, important.

At this particular church they had it lit. The music was mixed beautifully (even my audio guy thought so [Russell] and he is very in tune with that kind of thing… he is very much an audio engineer). The lighting wasn’t distracting but went with the mood of things. Everything was in place. It had the right vibe. I got more out of the service than if I was distracted by how horrible the worship music was or if the pastor has spinach in his teeth or whatever.

I know this may seem like a rant but it’s not. I feel like too often we are told not to give something any more thought than a grain of salt when it actually matters a whole lot. If the worship music makes or breaks a service for you then you aren’t going to get anything from it. Let me ask you this….

How are you growing? If you get nothing from it. How are you expected to grow?

It’s like planting a seed in the perfect environment for that plant but you take away it’s much needed water. Some plants need tons of water and some not as much but if it doesn’t get it the plant will not grow.

Chew on this for a bit. Give me you thoughts.

Until next time…

 

Late Night Posting 

Late Night Posting 

So it is 2:21am here in the great state of Texas. I got a total of probably 2 hours of sleep earlier. 

I think I could be in a total flare. Probably one of the worst I have had in awhile. They seem to be getting worse each time I have one. 

I’ll be calling my G.I. on Monday. I have church later and I was really looking forward to going but I don’t know how much sleep I’ll be getting tonight. The past two nights I have needed higher doses of phenergan. So far I haven’t needed any tonight. 

I was contemplating putting my stomach on a break and doing longer feeds but my feeds are giving me a little bit of trouble too. Not horribly just part of IBS I believe. 

Post ankle surgery from a little over a month ago… still working on range of motion and parts of my scar are still healing up. The part that sucks the most is I have been having heel pain. Doc thinks I may have a micro tear in some of the tissue down there. Not a huge deal. Should repair itself. It just means pain. So that is what I am feeling. Not excruciating just pain. 

I am wondering if I will make it to church… I hope so. Luckily my eyes are getting heavy now. 

Check my Twitter for updates. @abbeyccrane 

Until next time…. 

IS IT REAL?!

IS IT REAL?!

The other morning Russell and I ended up getting into a minor argument. The only reason I bring this up is only for the fact of the topic of this post. 

I take numerous medications that have the side effect of drowsiness and they do make me very sleepy and very difficult to wake up. Then you add one of, what I call, my rescue meds (this time was Phenergan) and you basically have to piss me off to wake me up before I am able to sleep the drug off. 

I felt so guilty. I started going through my head… What medications can I eliminate? Which ones can I spread out more? Can I spread them out? Can I substitute it for one that doesn’t make me so sleepy? Do I even really need these medications? 

The answer is I wouldn’t be on the meds I am on unless I needed them and they worked. They are on the schedule the are on because that is what works best. 

Then I began to think of all the times I have claimed brain fog, drug induced brain fog, drug hangover, or just flat out chronic fatigue. 

I have this friend and I know she is messing with me when she says stuff like “oh that excuse again” or “excuses excuses Abbey you’re better than that” or whatever other sarcastic thing she can come up with. I love her. She keeps me in check. 

There are times where I have thought gaps. I straight up cannot think of a word or what I was saying mid sentence. 

I wonder. Am I making excuses for myself? Do I need to challenge my brain more? Am I losing my youthful mind? 

I have gotten to the point if you aren’t looking directly at me and make sure you have my full attention I have no idea what you are saying, if you are speaking to me, or that you’re even in the room sometimes. I just flat out zone out. 

I begin to think what is wrong with me? Am I totally losing it? Am I just not making the effort? There is just a point where I zone out. 

Is it the medication? The constant exhaustion and tirednesss? A combination of the two? What am I doing here? 

From various Facebook groups and blog posts and such I know other people are experiencing this. I know it is real. I know what I am feeling and thinking is valid but it seems so unreal. Invalid. Like I am a liar or something. I am just imagining things. 

There is so much guilt I feel because I am absent. More mentally than anything else. My brain is perfectly happy with my hood from my jacket up, earbuds in, and listening to whatever sways my mood that day. If I feel like it I will throw my sunglasses into the mix. 

I never thought it would be so exhausting just trying to keep up with a conversation sometimes. 

Sometimes this doesn’t feel real. Sometimes I feel as if I am Alice in Wonderland. Only I am mostly there but kind of here. 

I will end with this: 

Hatter: Do you think I’ve gone round the bend? 

Alice: I’m afraid so. You’re mad, bonkers, completely off your head. But I’ll tell you a secret. All the best people are.

 And this last one because it’s important and the Alice in Wonderland references wouldn’t be complete with out it. (Although, really without the entirely of the books, it will never be complete but I digress). 

I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then. 

Until next time my friends… 

Perpetual Grief

Perpetual Grief

As you may know there are 5 stages to grief.

  • denial
  • anger
  • bargaining
  • depression
  • acceptance

When we lose someone it is said that we go through these five stages on our own timeline. Some people go through it real quick and move on and others it could take awhile.

You may be wondering why I have brought this rather unhappy topic up. When someone goes through a diagnosis of any kind they potentially go through the 5 stages if grief.

Enter chronic illness. These 5 stages NEVER end. We are always grieving one thing or another. Or at least it seems that way. From the different things I read and how I feel.

I grieved my initial diagnosis.

I still continue to grieve the loss of friendships, ability to go to college no matter how many times I have tried, work, my relationship with food, the ups and downs of my diagnoses, and much much more.

I know I will have more to grieve in the days, months, and years to come. Right now one particular thing I am grieving over is my inability to work. I am 24 years old, spunky, loving, crave learning new things, and I am applying for disability.

That is hitting way harder than I thought it would. I was in denial before I resigned from my job. I am angry and trying to bargain a way for my body to cooperate to allow me to work. I am definitely at the depression part but I am far from accepting it at this point.

I have learned that grieving really doesn’t necessarily happen in steps or stages. At least not in the traditional sense.

Regarding work: Step 1 Denial Step 2 anger, bargaining, and depression Step 3 will hopefully be acceptance but could quite possibly be Step 2 all over again. Step 2 is this cycle right now. It could be one feeling or the other. It could be all of them.

This is never ending. A new diagnosis. Finding a new restriction on my life (backpacking cough cough). My love for food. Medications. The way my body looks. (You never get used to the way you look when you have dropped weight or when you have gained it back.) How clothing fits.

Eventually, marriage and children. Who know’s what will come of these things but they are potential places of grief.

These are only some examples but the grieving process never ends.

I think that’s all I have on this for now but I felt like I needed to share this. I have been trying to put my fingers to the keys for awhile for this particular post. It was just too difficult but here it is.

Until next time…

Dunk Tank

Dunk Tank

Y’all, I am seriously struggling. I keep trying to figure out how I am going to do all of the things I want to without a job.

Everything costs money and right now that is the biggest weight on my shoulders. I feel like I should just sit still. Stay at home. My parents are helping me out. God bless them. I don’t want to ask for a thing.

I feel like that’s maybe why I let others drive. (Besides my surgery.) That way I don’t have to ask for money for gas. I try to keep it all to a minimum because I just feel so darn guilty. I have been told it’s no big deal it just needs to be done but this thing… it haunts me.

I am so afraid that if I do one thing wrong the State will deny me of benefits. So I sit here. Holding my breath.

When will this end? I feel like I am in one of those dunk tanks waiting for a kid who has horrible aim to finally hit the thing that will make the seat fall away. Into the water I go.

I have dreams and goals and desires. Don’t we all? I feel like once again… everything is being put on hold. I feel like if I make one wrong move I will be denied.

When do I get to breathe again?

Until next time y’all…