I have been really concentrating and reflecting on this particular post. It has been on my list for about 3 months now. This particular topic is incredibly important to me. So here we go.
I have been told that we have to allow things to heal. Or that people pray for healing. Or with time healing will come.
Now, originally when I heard healing I thought it meant being complete. Not being sick anymore. Being who I was. In the past.
There are numerous bible passages that speak of healing and I won’t list them; there are too many.
I began to ask myself over time what exactly does healing mean?
I did not look it up in the dictionary because it is not about what the English language tells me about healing… It is about what I feel like healing is.
How do we know we are healed or when we are broken? We feel it. So why try to very specifically define something we feel? Can anyone define love? Hurt? Happiness? Sadness? That is without using the word in the definition.
I know I can’t. If I try to put these things into words….to define them. I end up using a lot of words that need a definition themselves to truly grasp the concept.
When it comes to healing… I am still sick and I keep hitting bumps on my way down the road. Does that mean I don’t experience healing? For some healing is no more sickness, no more hurt, no more anger.
What if the concept of healing was not the absence of things? What if healing is still feeling that hurt, sadness, illness, and anger but bringing that with you into your life instead of shutting it out.
Have I lost anyone? You’re probably like: What is this woman talking about?! How does hurt, sadness, illness, etc. do anything for us that is positive?
Well, that’s just it. Positive is good but how do we know how truly good something is if we don’t have anything to compare it to?
I have had 5 years to think about this. Mostly because all I think I have felt was brokenness. When I re-evauluate the situation and really think about how I have healed in the past 5 years up until now… I have found, for me, that I have taken on something I never imagined I would have to. I never thought I would have this stubbornness and strength to push back. To say enough is enough.
I am still sick. I still have my days where I feel weak and like I can’t take anymore. They are the hard days.
Those are the days where I question. Am I really a warrior? Is this really a quality of life? Why do we have to live this way? Why do I have to think and feel this way?
I have experienced healing. I have experienced brokenness. Healing may not be what you think….