What Could I Do?

What Could I Do?

What do I even say? At this very moment my world is crumbling out from under me. The skies are crashing down.

I am 24 years old. I will soon be applying for Social Security/Disability. I have typed up my resignation letter and it is ready to be submitted.

Today is the day where I feel like it is all ending. Every moment that passes I feel the semi-normalcy slipping through my fingers.

Once again, I am finding another new “normal.” Does that word have any true meaning anymore? It doesn’t.

At least in my world it doesn’t.

I feel betrayed by my body first and foremost. That is the one feeling I can identify. I guess sadness goes along with it. I can’t say that I am angry yet. Just hurt and betrayed and sad.

I wasn’t sure that I really wanted this to be public information. (I have been working on this post for three days now.)

What do I do? I want to share something my friend sent to me as I was telling her about what has been going on. She was concerned because I had been M.I.A. when it came to our normal daily conversations.

Now this is just her end of the conversation:

“You are such a trooper and you keep your head up when most people couldn’t… just keep going… you got this. Stay strong… I know you probably hear that a lot and sometimes you don’t want to but everything is going to work out.”

I told her it just doesn’t feel like it right now. Of course she replied with:

“I know… the roller coaster is at the bottom but its about to come back… it just takes time.”

All I could do was bow my head. I felt relieved that I told her but still defeat found its way in.

I know this wasn’t incredibly uplifting or whatever but I wanted to share the stuff where being stuck in the middle of the crud is reality sometimes.

Here I am. Stuck in the crud.

Until next time.

 

Long Time No Post

Long Time No Post

Hey y’all,

So let’s just say I have been really sick recently and haven’t had the energy or will to write. 

I am also working on a little project so I have been super busy with that. 

Y’all will be seeing a few changes soon but I am not leaving y’all!! 

I have a couple of posts I have been wanting to write but I thought this one should come first. 

May is a busy month for my family so we are winding down from the craziness and getting back into the swing of things. 

I just wanted to give y’all a quick update and let you know that I am still here!! 
Until next time. 

Mon Cœur

Mon Cœur

I have a love affair with the French language. Mon Cœur, is directly translated from French meaning, my heart. It is a term of endearment in the french language. Similar to the idea of calling someone my love.

And that is exactly the topic of this post. It is long overdue.

Mon Cœur, 

Over the past month I have been having problems with my GP. You know this all too well. We are up together in church. From 6th grade to graduation. Then we split ways and never truly spoke beyond different conversations that were youth group activities. Even then words were few and far between. Who knew three years later you would become my best friend in the whole world? Someone I could truly lean on.

My parents have always taken care of me and they have done a hell of a job. 

In 2014 we were perfect strangers. I uttered the words. I have Gastroparesis. You had no idea but you looked it up anyway. We fell fast. I gave you so many opportunities to walk away before this hurt us both. You have chosen in all of my angry and hurt outbursts to hold my hand and let me cry. All of the meltdowns I have ever had in the past 2 years, 7 months, and 20 some odd days you have been there for me. 

You became my caregiver. This last week I had been unable to use my lifeline. My feeding tube was acting up. We thought we had fixed the problem so I never called my doctor to get it replaced. By Thursday I was making the call. We were concerned that I was losing weight. I thought I had it handled. I am stubborn in that way. So stubborn that I frustrate the crap out of you. Even when I was in tears from pain and weak from lack of nutrition you never said I told you so. You just held me as I cried. Helped wash and dry off my hair. You drove me to get my tube changed and brought me home. You helped my upstairs which took every ounce of strength and energy I had and then some. You set up a feed and then later on made me soup. It wasn’t the kind that came in a package. It was my favorite. 

These are just a few small examples of things you have already done for me over the time we have been together. 

You are everything I have hoped for someone to love. You are the person I also would like to say I know it’s hard for you. 

My parents and I have been dealing with this monster and fighting it for a good majority of my life. We got a name to it 5 years ago. In comparison, you came into the picture as things were getting easier. That’s all relative though. You have chosen me every single day since we went to that fair. Maybe even before then. You could just as easily walk away.  You put up with my more often than not Netflix and Chill days than going out. Oh my goodness! All of the accumulated hours in so many doctors’ offices you have suffered through. We have had so many good laughs in those offices and out of them! 

You are a warrior, too, mon cœur. You are a unique kind of warrior and you fight right alongside me. I am pretty sure you know more about what goes on in the fast-paced medical world of Gastroparesis than I do. 

You are my person. My piece that fits. My heart. My warrior.

With all my love…

 

I am a Rescue Dog

I am a Rescue Dog

I am sure y’all are looking at this title going, huh?

Let me explain. Dogs get upset tummies, too. In particular rescue dogs don’t really know what to do with actual dog food or they have any upset stomach because either shelters feed them what they have been donated (which sometimes is good quality food but often times not and is constantly changing), they are extremely stressed and scared, and/0r are sick for some reason.

Dogs in these situations are normally given diluted chicken broth, rice, and/or plain boiled chicken. Generally if they can’t hold down solids they are just given the broth and then move to rice and then add the chicken to the rice.

It really just depends on the dog.

Now that we have the veterinary care lesson completed I shall explain.

Just as rice and chicken are easy on the tummy for dogs, rice and chicken are easy on people’s tummies too. I eat chicken and rice in varying degrees of simplicity (spices) quite often. It is my go to “safe food.”

A safe food is something that I know without a doubt (okay 85% doubtless) is something that my stomach will say yes to a majority of the time. If I am unsure how my stomach will react to something chicken and rice it is!

Tonight I was out with my Mom and Russell at one of our favorite restaurants and the chef has rotisserie chicken on the menu with stuff I can eat sometimes but he also has rice as a side option. Y’all this chicken is huge! It’s not like you get a breast. You get half the chicken. Let me sat that again, half the freaking chicken! So Mom and I shared. She has all the other goodies that I can’t have and she cut off some chicken breast and gave it to me to mix in with my rice.

It was very delicious. As dinner was winding down, I said without much thought, “I am a rescue dog.”

I explained what I meant. It made Russell and Mom look at me and they just kinda laughed. It was true! Odd way of putting it but true! They appreciated my little bit of humor.

I thought to myself at that point, I have got to write a post about this. Gastroparesis rules so much of my life but I got to have a bit of a laugh.

I work in a vet clinic so it just took the whole comment to another level!

It’s the little laughs in life that makes every bit of pain worth it. Tonight was one of those little things.

Until next time.

Abbey

Tough Week.

Tough Week.

I apologize if this post is everywhere.

Everything I have ever gone through has been flooding through my heart again this past week. Every emotion I have ever felt in these past 4 or 5 years have come rushing through my heart like a river through a broken dam.

I can relate almost everything to a song. I heard a song from one of my favorite worship artists. Maybe she is my favorite because she so accurately expresses my relationship with God. Anyway, this song triggered so much in my heart that I never thought I had pushed down and put away.

This week has been hard on my heart. Not physically but emotionally. I think part of it was a medicine dosage change but I know it was something more than that.

I never got a chance to process any of my diagnoses or my life really since I graduated from high school. That was 6 years ago.

I am currently listening to another song that describes exactly where I am. (I will link these songs somehow.)

I have been crying all week. Screaming. Hurting. Wailing.

What y’all may not quite understand yet is that Spoonie Meets World is more than a blog to me. This is my journal. This is my therapy. This is my place to reach out to those who feel like they are in a tough place and may not necessarily want the joyful “everything is okay because Jesus” type deal.

My week has been a lot of tears and falling to my knees. A lot of bruises. Before this week I had been having some serious trouble getting myself to church. I couldn’t wake up in time or I just didn’t feel like going. This past Sunday we went. I felt so out of practice. As soon as I returned to work on Monday everything has begun to hit me.

Almost 6 years of repressed feelings and hurt and whatever else has come flooding through. Y’all it has been hard. I have nothing to offer you as far as a solution. I am still figuring things out.

I don’t know how I will move through this but I know of a God, my God, that will be there. Whenever I cry out to him. Which I have been doing a lot.

Until next time.

Abbey

P.S. Kari Jobe is my current favorite. I just love her voice and her music.

Find You on My Knees Kari Jobe

Here Kari Jobe

Blessings Laura Story

Spoonie Re-entry Problems

Spoonie Re-entry Problems

While I am at work I have Pandora radio station on. This is the only way I get anything done.

I have gotten so used to isolation since I was diagnosed, even after being out in the world with everyone else on a regular basis, being out in the world with everyone else is still problematic. I cannot manage to get anything done. The voices and conversations. The sounds. The movements. They are all so distracting and completely overwhelming.

The only way I can manage to survive is music. I can try to color or do a puzzle. Nothing but music makes everything else fade.

If I am uneasy in a public setting I would rather run and grab music and headphones than try to find a way to participate.

It’s odd. I have had a couples friends move to other countries for mission work and they would use #reentryprobs when it came to things that used to be their normal in the United States that no longer felt familiar.

I can shop and function in daily life for the most part. It’s just easier with a set of earbuds and music.

I feel bad for my family or others. I may seem disinterested. Sometimes I am. I have a lot going on in my head. For so long television, my mind, and whatever was on my phone were the only things that required my attention.

My attention goes to one thing or another. I used to be able to mutual-task a little. Not much. Now, forget it!

So, each day it is becoming more and more painfully aware that I can’t function in the world the way I used to.

Even beyond my chronic illness. This is what isolation has done to me.

I am not a criminal or a victim of a crime. I am not contagious.

I was in isolation to heal. I didn’t have the energy or desire to be anywhere else but home or in the hospital if I happened to be admitted.

 

So I am having what I now call Spoonie Re-entry Problems.

Until next time.

Abbey

 

 

When In Doubt…

When In Doubt…

Okay, here goes nothing.

It’s okay to doubt your faith. To doubt is to have curiosity. To doubt is to be someone who thinks for themselves. To doubt means that you are human, We have already discussed being human is a wonderful thing. (If you missed it click here to go check it out.)

For awhile I have been tossing back and forth the idea of either doing a blog without Christianity flowing through or a total Christian blog or anywhere in between.

You know what?

Who makes the rules? No one! I am the author, domain owner, and creator. I choose what content gets published or not.

That being said, I was so hesitant and told myself that I should be careful about my posts. What if people don’t read my blog? What if I get too many mean comments? What if no one reads my blog anymore?

What if?

I am driving myself crazy with the what-if questions!

I am spending more energy wondering what will happen than actually writing. I keep telling myself to try to write about something minus God.

Have I gone mad?! My entire life revolves around my Savior, my God being in it!

I will be sad if I lose readers. I will be okay, though. My readers will be as well. Past, present, and future.

Stay true to yourself.

That statement holds more truth than you would think.

Until next time.

Abbey