What do I even say? At this very moment my world is crumbling out from under me. The skies are crashing down.
I am 24 years old. I will soon be applying for Social Security/Disability. I have typed up my resignation letter and it is ready to be submitted.
Today is the day where I feel like it is all ending. Every moment that passes I feel the semi-normalcy slipping through my fingers.
Once again, I am finding another new “normal.” Does that word have any true meaning anymore? It doesn’t.
At least in my world it doesn’t.
I feel betrayed by my body first and foremost. That is the one feeling I can identify. I guess sadness goes along with it. I can’t say that I am angry yet. Just hurt and betrayed and sad.
I wasn’t sure that I really wanted this to be public information. (I have been working on this post for three days now.)
What do I do? I want to share something my friend sent to me as I was telling her about what has been going on. She was concerned because I had been M.I.A. when it came to our normal daily conversations.
Now this is just her end of the conversation:
“You are such a trooper and you keep your head up when most people couldn’t… just keep going… you got this. Stay strong… I know you probably hear that a lot and sometimes you don’t want to but everything is going to work out.”
I told her it just doesn’t feel like it right now. Of course she replied with:
“I know… the roller coaster is at the bottom but its about to come back… it just takes time.”
All I could do was bow my head. I felt relieved that I told her but still defeat found its way in.
I know this wasn’t incredibly uplifting or whatever but I wanted to share the stuff where being stuck in the middle of the crud is reality sometimes.
Here I am. Stuck in the crud.
Until next time.