Today was not a good day.
We’ll just let that sentence sink in.
Okay, now we can get to why.
I would like to start with I started it. I woke up really grumpy for whatever reason this morning. All hell broke loose. In the direction of Russell. He did absolutely nothing to cause the wrath of Abbey to be thrown his way.
Today did not go well. Overall I think that I would be good with going to bed and trying again tomorrow.
I wanted to talk about the mental game that begins the minute you are diagnosed with a chronic illness that does not fall under the mental illness category.
More often than not I have met people in the spoonie world, some have become friends and some have not, that at least have depression or anxiety. Or both.
I have seen more people lose the fight against their illness from one common thing. The depression becomes so great that suicide kills them before complications from their chronic diagnosis.
I don’t know about you but that scares me. I had Bi Polar Disorder before I was diagnoses with Gastroparesis. Do my chances double or triple?! What will happen to me?
Today, I cried and hard. You know, the ones where you ache with your entire being The ones where you just want it to stop. You want everything to feel better but you don’t see how so you just wail out and cry.
That was my day today. I cried and was anxious all day. I can remember part of our argument today and then something I begged while I was crying and I feel like this is something that has come out of our mouths at least once. All of us. Spoonie or not.
I cried out.
Please just make it stop. Take it all away. I don’t want to hurt anymore. Please…. I don’t want to hurt like this anymore.
That has been haunting me today. I can’t tell you how many times over the years of Russell and I dating I have a cried that way and cried out with those pleas.
As I type this, that moment comes flooding back and hits me like a ten foot wave that beats on the rocks of the coast.
Honestly, I am not 100 percent sure where I am going with this. Maybe I just felt the need to share. Or maybe I want people to know that it’s not always the symptoms in the medical book that kill the patients.
Depression. Anxiety. Solitude.
The things our doctors don’t warn us about. The one side effect of having a chronic illness that they don’t tell us.
That is where a lot of danger lies.
Until next time.